So I sit here in my condo and relish the aircon (local parlance for A.C. / Air-Conditioning). I enjoy the fact that I have electricity to run my laptop, TV, x-box, etc. I enjoy that the elevator works. I enjoy that I’m not running around mopping up leaks in the ceiling. I enjoy running water (even if it is never safe to drink, at least the toilets work). Why do I bother to take notice and enjoyment from these everyday basics of civilized life? I’m fairly certain all of this will be gone for 3-4 days in roughly three hours. Welcome to the Philippines and Typhoon season. For you white-skinned devils that know nothing of Asia, Typhoons are hurricanes. Manila is like the Midwest “tornado alley” in the USA except that instead of lots of tornadoes we get lots of hurricanes. Typhoon Durian is on my doorstep.

I grew up in the south-east US and I know hurricanes. In college we had a Fran-Jam all night party for Hurricane Fran. We partied all night because no one could leave. Trees were falling on cars in the parking lot. By the next morning everything was flooded and semblance of a car on the road was the set of police lights just poking above the water. I assumed they were still attached to a police cruiser completely under water. A few months ago I was here in Manila for a typhoon and it made Fran look like a slight thunderstorm.

Apparently my ass is afraid things will devolve into total chaos and I’ll have to go out ass-guns-a-blazin’ to forage for food and water. I think that’s why I’ve been blessed with Machine Gun Dumps as of late. These dumps really do suck. There’s no relaxing and contemplating how much of your balls you can shave before you’re gay. Just the sack? What about the taint? If I got lazy and got my balls waxed would that make me a flaming fag? Nope, no putting thought into important matters. Instead I’m forced to hold onto the seat for dear life as the shit nuggets explode out with great force.

Since I’m probably going to be offline for a while I’ll dig into the dump archives and give you a couple more great examples of Machine Gun Dumps:

So last post we discussed shitters in Japan. This time let’s talk about the “thrones” in the Philippines. First, if it’s a public shitter, you’ll never have to worry about getting bitched out for leaving the seat down, because THERE IS NO SEAT!!! Think that’s bad? There’s no TP either! What do folks use instead? If you’re in the mall, I haven’t figured it out yet. If you’re an office setting there’s a bucket of water with a smaller ladle-type-thing. Use your imagination. If there does happen to be T.P. it seems folks don’t know what to do with it. Oh, they get the wipe your ass part but haven’t figured out that you’re supposed to flush the shit-crusted tissue down the tube with the turds. Instead they put the used T.P. into the trash can next to the throne. I guess it’s so hot here they think that their shitlogs don’t need “blankets” for their trip down the tube. The T.P. in the can gets stacked to the top of the trash can because janitorial services aren’t exactly top notch here. I’d give my left nut for a Mexican janitor.

So I figured moving into our brand spanking new office would be somehow different. WRONG. First, it smells like a truck stop bathroom. Next, well, fuck it, a picture is worth a thousand words:

I’ll never shit in my office again. Hovering my fat (read American here in the Philippines) ass over a bowl is NOT a comfortable way to shit. Now I know how chicks feel. How the hell am I supposed to get my moment of Zen?

I really try not to get all anti-Filipino over here. Yes, it’s very different from the States. Yes, the non-confrontational way of folks gets on my nerves. Yes, going to a department store and seeing 30 people working in one section and finding that NONE of them are worth a fuck is very frustrating. There’s a lot of jokes I’ve heard about how this is a third-world nation and the people are all backward and uncivilized. I’ve actually heard F.F.T.T. used as a joke. It stand for Fresh From The Trees. Ouch. 99.99% of the time I totally disagree with this. The people I’ve met and worked with are intelligent, hard-working, honest, and civilized. But I GOTTA wonder about the toilet situation! In our last office my gf was bitching about how dirty the WOMEN’s bathroom was. She said she was using the men’s room b/c it was cleaner. What!?! I had to check it out. Sure enough, she was right. The women’s room was DISGUSTING. I did some digging and found out that the women in our office didn’t sit on the can (even though I made damn sure ALL toilets had seats). Instead they put their feet up on the seat and squatted down spraying piss all over the seat. Then they wouldn’t use the T.P. that I made sure was in every bathroom. Instead they somehow used the bucket of the water and the ladle thing and made a total mess! Come on Philippines! You’ve come so far, so fast! Get with the rest of the world! Use TOILET PAPER! Use TOILET SEATS! A close up of my one and most likely ONLY dump ever in the new office says what I think of how toilets work in your country:

So after the office episode yesterday, this morning I looked forward to dropping a load in my killer condo. Even though the master bathroom is huge and the toilet has one of those asshole washers, I prefer the bathroom out by the living room. Know why? Because it has what every man wants in his bathroom:

That’s right, I’ve got a urinal! So the entire wall next to the toilet is a mirror. Pretty pimp. This is where I sit and do my morning thinking and come up with the shit I post on this site. So with the aforementioned mirror right next to me I figured I’d do a self-portrait. Fuck it, famous artists do it so why can’t I?

Christ otter. I bought a $1000 membership to the pimpest gym in town at the Shangri-La Hotel. Yes, sounds cheezy but this is the nicest hotel in the country. It’s uber-pimp. The gym is bad-ass, my membership gets me free use of the resort-quality pool, and of course I get to use the tennis courts. Heh, as a side note on the economy I found out today that renting 3 tennis balls for an hour costs MORE than renting a human being. The ball-boy for the hour is cheaper than the tennis balls! Back to my fat ass. Looking at this pic I realized I’ve grown a world-class gut. I’m not at my worst. That was where I was when I met my gf and I promptly lost 35 pounds. But I’ve put 20 of it back on and it sucks balls. Sure the women I party with never mention I’ve put on a few pounds (not if they want their tip in the morning!) but with that pic I can’t deny it anymore. Fuck it, most of it came in the last month in the US when I gorged myself on Americana Food that I knew I’d be missing. Well that’s gone. I spent so much fucking money on this gym membership there’s no way I’m not gonna go. I’m cheaper than I am lazy!

Well, can’t talk this much about my time on the can without posting the results. Some lovely two-tone action going:

Good Morning. Well at least good morning to anyone in Asia. Most of you readers are probably enjoying your Sunday evening. Not me. It’s 8AM Monday morning over here. I’m heading into work. Sucks. What’s worse? Monday Night Football comes on Tuesday morning here.

So this is what I wake up to start my week with. Combo dump of Fluffy Dumps and Pop The Cork Dumps. As you can see this one is mostly cork but there’s some definite brown champagne at the end. The cork itself is very fluffy which if I take this anal analogy way to far is probably why there’s so little champagne. Since the “cork” didn’t make a great seal the “champagne” managed to “evaporate” out. Heh, yeah evaporate in the form of all that raunchy ass-gas I unintentionally blowing across my king size bed at my gf last night.

So yesterday I posted thanking my new friend Kay for nagging me to become active on this site. Because she’s Japanese this got me thinking about why so much of the world’s scat porn comes from Japan. I really know very little about Japan. I can’t even claim to have been there. I’ve been through Narita, Tokyo airport several times, but normally I say visiting a country’s airport doesn’t count as visiting the country.

Normally, I said. I have been able to learn some things about Japanese culture simply by frequenting their airport. First, I love Udon Noodles and the spicy dried red pepper powder stuff they put on the noodles. Next, a vast majority of Japanese women I’ve met (all except Kay) seem to be humanely incapable of speaking at volume levels above a whisper. Seriously, it’s SO annoying when I’m on these long flights back and forth from Manila. The “gringo” flight attendent comes on and does all the standard “no smoking, we’ll be serving you shitty food when we get airborne, no fucking in the bathroom” stuff while I’m trying to go to sleep. This takes five minutes. When that’s done the Japanese flight attendent comes on in this hushed little annoying sicky sweet whisper and yaps for FIFTEEN minutes. Anytime anything is said by the English-speaking flight attendent it has to be reapeated in Japanese and it takes THREE TIMES as long.

So the stereotype is that Japanese are very effecient. Maybe, but their language isn’t. Sentence in English: 1 minute. Same Sentence in Japanese: 4 minutes. Same Sentence in Spanish: 4.2 Seconds.

Back to the scat question. I don’t have a good answer yet. BUT, I do no something is up with this culture and how they interact w/ their ass and what comes out of their ass. The bathrooms in the Tokyo airport all have TWO types of toilettes: Western and Traditional. Check out “Traditional”:

What the hell is that? It’s literally just a porcelain plate that’s three inches below the floor. One end (on the left on this picture) has a small hole that water sprays out of WHEN you flush it (not before). The other end has a, um, “splatter guard” and hole with a very little bit of water in it.

Apparently you squat over this thing and drop your load. From what I’ve been able to find out about this Traditional Style Japanese Toilet, the theory is that squatting to the point that your asshole is even with your ankles is a more “natural” experience and results in a healthier body. Um, ok. One thing I know it results in is a horrible funk every time you use it. There’s no water to capture the poo and drown the shit funk bubbling up from within. Sadly, I haven’t had the relatively simple combination of A) the need to take a dump, B) been in Tokyo airport at the time, and C) had a camera on me. The pic above I snapped when I had B) and C) but try as I might I couldn’t conjure up A). Not to worry, my faithful girlfriend Shey came through for us with some hard-hitting investigative journalism:

Sadly the “C) had a camera” part was only the crappy camera built into her phone. Still think this pic does a pretty good job of showing what the aftermath of a Traditional Japanese Toilette episode looks like. Until you flush that thing you’ve got a turd on a tray. Yuck. Shey does report that it’s actually a very comfortable way to drop off the kids at the pool. My problem with it is there’s no pool.

So what does this say about Japanese people. Well, my thinking is they, much like me, prefer to inspect their droppings before sending them on their way. Most likely the thousands of years of “Eastern” medicine dictating that you can learn a lot about your state of health by giving your brown bombs a once-over. Could be, but I think it’s more than that. I think they’re proud of a good shit. Kay, my one Japanese friend, seems to fit into this category. What I still don’t get and will have to try and pick Kay’s brain on is where/how/when Japanese folk go from being proud of a good turd to getting a stiffy at the thought of smearing said turd over themselves. How could anyone be aroused by the thought of EATING shit? I just don’t get it. I will ask some questions and see if I can find the answers. But don’t expect me to go undercover. Fuck that shit!

Well, this is it, the dump that inspired me to get off my ass and start updating this site regularly again:

I even added a new category for this one: Up Periscope. Not sure if it’s the fact that toilets are smaller here in the Philippines or if my dumps have simply gotten larger. For some reason most of my shits lately have been peeking out over the top of the water.

So, yes, for anyone that actually reading this site and for myself, I owe some words of explanation regarding my absence. It’s been more than six months since I’ve posted. There are the easy excuses.

First, the LCD screen on my camera broke. It took me a month to get another one. Then I lost the replacement a month later. Fucking idiot. So for that bonehead move I procrastinated another two months before buying my THIRD Casio digital camera in one year. It’s probably the ghost of Tadao Kashio (founder of Casio) getting even with me for using his company’s fine technology to capture every intricate detail of the product of my bowel movements.

Next there’s my frustration with not being able to get this site looking exactly the way we want it. I know the basics of HTML and even some ASP (Miroslop’s scripting language) but I know just about dick on Unix servers and PHP (the free, easy competitor of ASP). I’m a perfectionist and it gets on my last nerve when I can’t get something to look or function the way I want it to. Of course, this is a pretty weak excuse for neglecting this site. I do run a company with dozens of programmers and designers at my disposal. Why didn’t I use them? Read on to the biggest and best reason I have for taking so long to get back to this fine site.

I run the SickSiteNetwork which is a network of entertainment websites that primarily focus on what’s now being called “viral content” which is simply all the pics, vids, audio files, text, and games that people email around to one another. With the help of my two partners in the business, I’ve built this thing into a company employing over seventy people, running eleven websites, and generating over 77,000,000 visits a month. I am responsible for running all this. I’m responsible for making sure we’ve got enough money to pay all these employees and that is the most important responsibility of my life. This company is my life. As such, I’ve neglected DailyDumps.com because it’s not as important to me as my company. Plain and simple.

So why am I finally posting again? What changed? Heh, try just about everything. For the past month and a half I’ve been engaged in moving my entire life (including my gf and my fifteen pound cat) from San Diego, CA to Manila, Philippines. It’s been a hell of an adventure. Because I landed a SUPER-sweet condo here in Manila (I’ll post pix soon) which is fully furnished I decided to sell all my shit. Literally EVERYTHING. I sold my car, my motorcycle, all my furniture, everything. It was time consuming but turned out to be very easy. I put a quick site together (www.movingtomanila.com) and listed all my shit on craigslist with links to the site. Why did I move to Manila? Well of those seventy plus people working for my company, only like 3 of them are in the USA. Everyone else is over here. For the last two years I’ve been running my company remotely over IM and email with a sixteen hour time difference. Every year I’d make four to six trips over to Manila and spend roughly five to six months out of the year here. The travel was KILLING me! It’s pretty much a 24 hour trip each way with layovers and airport security. Also I wasn’t a very effective head honcho because of the time difference, the challenge of communicating effectively, and the time gobbled up by travel and recovery from all manner of sickness picked up in Manila (no STD, but food regular food poisoning and flu).

So yeah, I’ve finished my huge move and gotten caught up. Honestly I’ve never been happier. I’ve got the woman I love living with me here. I’ve got my morbidly obese cat here. I wake up every morning to my assistant handing me Starbucks, shower in my bedroom sized bathroom, and walk one block to my office. I wrote a killer article about how incredibly spoiled I’m getting living over here for our www.weeklywipe.com email newsletter. You can scope it out here; it really is a good read.

The one thing I did do during my six month hiatus from poop-posting was continue to take pictures (when I had a camera) of my most worthy productions. So to make up for being gone so long I’ll be posting two or three dumps every time I make a post. Since, I make the new Up Periscope category how about a couple of great examples?

To prep for getting going on posting again I went through ALL my pictures, going back years. I found this little jewel in some pix from when I was living in Atlanta, before I moved to San Diego, before I moved to Manila. I’m kinda bummed that the “tail” of this fucker fell back into the bowl. If it hadn’t it would have been a solid six inches above the waterline which would probably be a record. What’s with the three little nuggets that make like a perfect triangle?

And here’s another one from the golden-oldies section. I actually birthed this baby three years ago! Not as impressive as the others but still it breaks above the water which is the minimum requirement to make it into the Up Periscope category.

Aight, so this is the most time I’ve spent posting in six months so I’m kinda worn out. Before I call it day I want to thank someone, tell you about another site I’ll be starting this month, and let you know what improvements to expect for DailyDumps.com over the next few weeks. First up, I want to thank a new friend we’ve made here in Manila. Her name is Kay and she’s dating a buddy of mine here. My buddy mentioned that I ran a site all about my poo and turns out she loves the site. Course I shouldn’t have been too surprised, she’s from Japan. Heh, sorry Kay but Japanese and Germans have a very, um, “playful” attitude toward turds. Scat anyone? Regardless, she’s a cool chick, she’s a fan of this site, and she’s been nagging me to update. It probably would have taken me another month to get going again if it wasn’t for her encouragement so much love to ya Kay!

This is a pic from a killer wine-tasting event we went to here in Manila. On the left is my gf Shey. On the right is Kay. In the middle is Rachelle who’s from Hawaii and we met through Kay.

So since I am here with all my programmers and designers I’m finally going to get them to do some work for me on the side (and yes, pay them extra). I’ll finally get up and running www.straightcurve.com which will by my main personal site and will most likely center on showing off pix of all the craziness that happens over here (hookers, parties, running gunfights in the streets, strange cultural stuff I run into). For DailyDumps.com I’ll get the layout looking right throughout the site and get automated submissions up and running. Heh, you fuckers will get to share your dumps! So that’s it, I feel I’ve repented properly for ignoring this site for so long!