So last post we discussed shitters in Japan. This time let’s talk about the “thrones” in the Philippines. First, if it’s a public shitter, you’ll never have to worry about getting bitched out for leaving the seat down, because THERE IS NO SEAT!!! Think that’s bad? There’s no TP either! What do folks use instead? If you’re in the mall, I haven’t figured it out yet. If you’re an office setting there’s a bucket of water with a smaller ladle-type-thing. Use your imagination. If there does happen to be T.P. it seems folks don’t know what to do with it. Oh, they get the wipe your ass part but haven’t figured out that you’re supposed to flush the shit-crusted tissue down the tube with the turds. Instead they put the used T.P. into the trash can next to the throne. I guess it’s so hot here they think that their shitlogs don’t need “blankets” for their trip down the tube. The T.P. in the can gets stacked to the top of the trash can because janitorial services aren’t exactly top notch here. I’d give my left nut for a Mexican janitor.

So I figured moving into our brand spanking new office would be somehow different. WRONG. First, it smells like a truck stop bathroom. Next, well, fuck it, a picture is worth a thousand words:

I’ll never shit in my office again. Hovering my fat (read American here in the Philippines) ass over a bowl is NOT a comfortable way to shit. Now I know how chicks feel. How the hell am I supposed to get my moment of Zen?

I really try not to get all anti-Filipino over here. Yes, it’s very different from the States. Yes, the non-confrontational way of folks gets on my nerves. Yes, going to a department store and seeing 30 people working in one section and finding that NONE of them are worth a fuck is very frustrating. There’s a lot of jokes I’ve heard about how this is a third-world nation and the people are all backward and uncivilized. I’ve actually heard F.F.T.T. used as a joke. It stand for Fresh From The Trees. Ouch. 99.99% of the time I totally disagree with this. The people I’ve met and worked with are intelligent, hard-working, honest, and civilized. But I GOTTA wonder about the toilet situation! In our last office my gf was bitching about how dirty the WOMEN’s bathroom was. She said she was using the men’s room b/c it was cleaner. What!?! I had to check it out. Sure enough, she was right. The women’s room was DISGUSTING. I did some digging and found out that the women in our office didn’t sit on the can (even though I made damn sure ALL toilets had seats). Instead they put their feet up on the seat and squatted down spraying piss all over the seat. Then they wouldn’t use the T.P. that I made sure was in every bathroom. Instead they somehow used the bucket of the water and the ladle thing and made a total mess! Come on Philippines! You’ve come so far, so fast! Get with the rest of the world! Use TOILET PAPER! Use TOILET SEATS! A close up of my one and most likely ONLY dump ever in the new office says what I think of how toilets work in your country:

So after the office episode yesterday, this morning I looked forward to dropping a load in my killer condo. Even though the master bathroom is huge and the toilet has one of those asshole washers, I prefer the bathroom out by the living room. Know why? Because it has what every man wants in his bathroom:

That’s right, I’ve got a urinal! So the entire wall next to the toilet is a mirror. Pretty pimp. This is where I sit and do my morning thinking and come up with the shit I post on this site. So with the aforementioned mirror right next to me I figured I’d do a self-portrait. Fuck it, famous artists do it so why can’t I?

Christ otter. I bought a $1000 membership to the pimpest gym in town at the Shangri-La Hotel. Yes, sounds cheezy but this is the nicest hotel in the country. It’s uber-pimp. The gym is bad-ass, my membership gets me free use of the resort-quality pool, and of course I get to use the tennis courts. Heh, as a side note on the economy I found out today that renting 3 tennis balls for an hour costs MORE than renting a human being. The ball-boy for the hour is cheaper than the tennis balls! Back to my fat ass. Looking at this pic I realized I’ve grown a world-class gut. I’m not at my worst. That was where I was when I met my gf and I promptly lost 35 pounds. But I’ve put 20 of it back on and it sucks balls. Sure the women I party with never mention I’ve put on a few pounds (not if they want their tip in the morning!) but with that pic I can’t deny it anymore. Fuck it, most of it came in the last month in the US when I gorged myself on Americana Food that I knew I’d be missing. Well that’s gone. I spent so much fucking money on this gym membership there’s no way I’m not gonna go. I’m cheaper than I am lazy!

Well, can’t talk this much about my time on the can without posting the results. Some lovely two-tone action going:

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 10:22 am and is filed under Fluffy Dumps. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.