The last time I tried working out the results were disastrous.  Wound up with the grossest post on this site.

So I was a bit worried about starting to get in shape again.  But the woman has been going to the gym and/or jogging regularly.  Can’t have her outlasting me in the sack so I’ve really been putting in the effort lately.  I got up at 5 fucking AM this morning and went jogging.  I was feeling pretty good until I got home.  Then all hell broke lose in my ass.  I managed to drag my ass to work and the situation didn’t improve much!  Check out the first two in the gallery below.  Yuck!  The other two I threw in as I had them on the “fresh dumps” folder on my PC and I’m not sure if I’d posted them or not yet.

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So my home machine died a couple weeks ago.  Got to hot in the Philippines in the room I kept it running 24/7 in (as a media server) and the primary Western Digital 500GIG drive melted.  My MIS guy Gerald finally got it back up and running on a backup drive last week and I’ve spent the past couple days getting the system customized, apps installed and configured, and going through what media content I still had and what was lost forever.  Fortunately I only lost about a gig of the most recent pix.  The rest had been backed up recently.

I even managed to save about 30 or so pix of dumps! Yay!  Heh.  Looking thru them I realized they represent a good example of just about every category of dumps.  Seeing as how my output as of late hasn’t been very, well, varied, I figured I’d use this pic archive to every once in a while post some great examples of a particular category.

Today’s highlighted category is the terrible Hershey Squirt dumps.  Basically pissing out your ass.  When you have to grab the rim to hold yourself down and prevent lift-off, you know you ate something BAD.  The results are never good:

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*I got a message from Marc this morning saying he was too pooped to, well, POOP, so he asked me to thrill your minds in his stead.*

Happy Mondays, shitheads! I was looking through my Yahoo! account this morning, and noticed I’d been receiving a newsletter from PETA that I hadn’t noticed before. Mind you, I’m in no way, shape or form such a sissified fuck that I would place an animal on a golden pedestal over a human being. I love animals, but it is in my inherent nature to eat flesh. At least I can safely assume this due to my experience that veggie burgers taste like pegboard and soymilk tastes like fucking chalk. And soydogs? Well, I don’t know what their taste is similar to, but it sure as hell ain’t meat.

Back before I became the beer, sex, and comedy aficionado over at Revenge World, I used to write for a then-fledgling pop-culture site. Now, prior to this assignment I’d never given one shit about the daily goings-on of Hollywood’s vivacious locals. However, you have to know your subjects well before you can successfully ridicule them. For instance, I could easily go off and say something crass like, “Paris Hilton’s vagina drips acid,” and have no lucid proof to back that statement up. But after reading enough Page 6, as well as numerous pop-culture and paparazzi sites scattered across the virtual ether, I can safely say the reason her gunch drips acid is because of lizard herpes.

Okay, what the hell was my point?

Oh yeah, the rich Hollywood faggots over at PETA. I most likely subscribed to their newsletter because they have a tendency to bitch and moan about some of the most banal shit in existence. For instance, recently a whistleblower on the set of Speed Racer told PETA that the live chimpanzee they acquired to play the role of Chim-Chim was beaten on set. Number one, PETA whined about them using a live animal on SR’s set already, so I wouldn’t put it past those motherfuckers if they lied just to garner the attention of symPATHETIC people to their cause. Secondly, it’s not a secret that the older a chimp gets, the more its primitive instincts kick in. So if you want to make sure no innocent bystanders get their arms ripped off, you might want to open a little can of whoop-monkey once the little fucker starts getting agitated every now and then. Of course, afterwards give it a cigarette or a shot of bourbon. That’s ALWAYS fun to watch. Haha, it’s doing human stuff!

So, in lieu of the sheer dumbfucktitude of you ass-sniffers over at PETA, this deuce is for you:

Wow. That’s pretty fucking pathetic. The sad part is, it took me nearly fifteen minutes to get that baby turtle-looking thing out of my ass. Thought I was going to blow a gasket. I took a pretty healthy shit this morning, but I forgot to take a picture of it. I guess I haven’t wrapped the idea of chronicling my rectal outtakes around my head.

I’ll try harder next time…

So, first my most humble apologies. I’m 10 days late on posting. Things have been CRAZY over here in Manila. The goverment here doesn’t take two kindly to dirty pornographers. The agency that investigates whether or not people with internet companies are in fact doing porn has agents on the take. Last week another company that we know people at got raided. Turned out to be a shake-down for bribe money. With a successful shake-down our fear is that we’d be the next target. It’s infuriating since what we do is not illegal here. It’s all about some crooked agents making a buck. So I’ve been caught up in meetings with lawyers and planning our strategy and the like.

Also, to make things even better, I’ve been sick as fuck. My buddy Ryan managed to get some type of intestinal flu thing. At first we thought food poisoning but it lasted for five days. Since I’ve got the only TV in the apartment, he hung out in my bedroom while he was sick. I’d come home and he’d be under the covers in my bed watching TV. Sick guy spending hours hanging out in your room. What’s that leave you? You getting sick. On the plus side, he did manage to snap a pic of one of the FIFTY plus times he dropped some Hershey Squirt action:

So as I picked up this lovely case of Philippino Creeping Crud I didn’t manage to get pix of the first few blow-outs. I was at the office one day and in a shopping mall the next. Things settled down and my sickness gave up on my ass and concentrated on my head and nose. I felt like I was walking around with 20 pounds of snot in my head. The moment I was starting to feel somewhat close to human again, my gf dragged me to the gym.

I knew it was a bad idea. She’s on this whole work out five days a week kick. I worked out for a solid hour. Then we went to T.G.I.Fridays for a taste of Americana. I grubbed like I hadn’t eaten good American food for two weeks. Of course, this was the case. I had a round of greasy, fried appetizers, a huge bacon cheeseburger, and a side of onion rings. We walked home.

About ten paces from the restaurant, I knew I was in big trouble. My typical parade of ass-gas had ceased to be replaced with deep rumbling and cramps from my intestines. It’s a fifteen minute walk back to the apartment. I make it in seven minutes. I burst into the upstairs bathroom and flew to the bathroom. I didn’t even notice “Typhoid Mary” Ryan snuggling under the covers in my bed. As I’m ripping my workout pants down to release the demon from my ass I realized that of course I’d tied the string on my wasteband for the first time. Why not? It was the first time I’d every used my work out pants for working out! This was my undoing.

I was pretty confident that I’d made it. As my ass descended toward the seat, the shit was already flowing, but my clothing was out of the way. I was on the throne vomiting out my sphincter for a good ten minutes before Sheyla caught up and popped her head into the bathroom to notify me I’d stunk up the entire bedroom. I explained she should give me credit as I barely made it onto the can before exploding. Take a peak:

Yes, truly horrible. But do you notice the seat? The lovely brown splat? Looks like I did NOT make it in time. To my horror as I’m taking the photo above I feel liquid anal toxic waste dripping off my ass cheek. It was bad, very bad:

So yes, I soiled myself. I made a mess of the toilet. Frankly, it had been a shitty ten days and this was the perfect culmination.